Depression 6: Self-Image

[WARNING: This is a self-indulgent series of posts in lieu of getting actual help. It’ll probably just be irritating to anyone else]

Part of my problem in trying to connect with others is basic biological urges. The desire for a partner. So when trying to reach out to connect with someone, I usually find it easier to communicate with women.

I try to suppress such considerations from any conversations I do have, but can never be certain. Again, another thing that holds me back from talking to anyone. It’s generally the avalanche of neuroses and contributing factor in my head that always gets in my way. Until I’m in a conversation, and go blank.

But it’s always there, and is one of the few times I get self-conscious about how I look (possibly the only time I care).

Obviously, I have self-image issues. Hardly unjustifiable, though exactly how I look to others is a mystery.

I’m not the type of narcissist who has a clear self-image. Do many people? I only look in the mirror when shaving, combing my hair, or suchlike. And I’m generally focused on one area rather than the whole.

Generally speaking, I’m an ugly, middle-aged, man, with an unconvincing false smile (does ugliness matter less as you get older?). That’s according to the mirror. According to the rare photos I don’t manage to avoid, I’m more grotesque, and look fatter than the mirror shows, with an indecisively balding spot on the top of my head that’s been only sparsely haired for decades, but refuses to actually go properly bald.

I could always try and project more self-confidence. But why? It’d just be a lie. And while much of personal interactions seems to involve lying to some degree, it’s not something I’m really practiced at. I think I just panic too much in social situations, my mind going too blank to fill the void with the polite lie.

Not that I’d necessarily leave people with much of an impression of me. I have too little interaction for them to be likely to remember me at all.